Why Beating Yourself Up Isn’t Helping You Reach Your Goals
Hey friend! We need to talk about something that might be sabotaging your progress—and I’m not talking about your workouts or your nutrition. I’m talking about how you talk to yourself.
We all have that inner voice, right? And for so many of us, that voice is harsh. It’s critical. It says things like: “You should be further along.” “Why can’t you be more disciplined?” “You’re so lazy. You messed up again.” And the thing is—we think that voice is helping. We think it’s keeping us in check, keeping us accountable, making sure we don’t slip.
But the truth? That voice might be the very thing holding you back from your goals.
So in today’s episode, we’re diving into what the research says about self-criticism versus self-compassion. I’m going to walk you through how to practice self-reflection without spiraling into shame, and I’ll give you actual scripts you can use to reframe negative self-talk the moment it shows up.
What I Discuss:
1. Why beating yourself up doesn’t make you more disciplined, but more discouraged.
2. What really is Self-compassion.
3. How to practice accountability without judgment by asking curious, kind questions.
4. How to change your self-talk in the moment using simple, powerful reframes.
If you loved this episode, you will also love: Episode 480: The Power of Small Efforts in Your Fitness Journey
https://www.juliealedbetter.com/embrace-your-real/the-power-of-small-efforts-in-your-fitness-journey
If you want more from me, be sure to check out...
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Transcript
00:00 -
Hey there, beautiful human, you're listening to Embrace your Real with me, julie Ledbetter, a podcast where I empower you to just be you. With each episode, I dish you a dose of real talk and actionable advice for building your confidence, honoring your body and unconditionally loving your authentic self. Stay tuned. If you're ready to embrace your real, let's get it. Let's go. Hello and welcome back to another episode on the Embrace your Real podcast. I am so glad that you're here.
00:32
Whether you're on a walk, whether you're folding laundry or driving to work, you're listening to this while you sip your coffee. Today's episode is one that I really want you to soak in, because we need to talk about something that might be sabotaging your progress, and I'm not talking about your workouts, I'm not talking about your nutrition. I'm actually talking about how you talk to yourself. We all have that inner voice, right, and for many of us, that voice is so harsh but we don't even know, we don't even realize how critical it is, like it's saying things like you should be further along. Why can't you just be more disciplined? You're so lazy, you messed up again, and the thing is, we think that this voice is actually helping us. We think that it's keeping us in check, that it's keeping us accountable, making sure that we don't slip up. But the truth is that voice might actually be the very thing that's holding you back from your goals. And so in today's episode, we're going to be diving into what the research says about self-criticism versus self-compassion, and I'm going to really walk you through how to practice self-reflection without spiraling into shame. And I want to give you actual scripts that you can use to reframe that negative self-talk in the moment so that when it does show up, you have something to combat it. And this isn't about being soft or letting yourself off the hook. Instead, it's about creating the kind of internal environment where growth is actually possible.
01:52
But before we dive in, I want to share this review. It comes from Biscuits and Bullgogo I don't know how to pronounce that username, but they gave a five-star review and said I am smarter, wiser women listening to this podcast. Hi there, if you're like me and get so much joy from exercise and eating healthy, but may have found yourself on the border of having an unhealthy transactional relationship with movement and food during your journey, I highly recommend listening to this podcast. I'm so grateful that I found Julie and Embrace your Real. Over the past two days she has helped me shift my mindset and I already feel empowered to make small shifts to make sure I'm fueling my body optimally and I also quiet that inner critic. Thank you so much for creating the content that will change lives for the better. Oh, jenny W. Thank you so much, jenny W, for taking the time out of your day to send in this review.
02:43
If you guys could scooch over to Apple Podcasts, if you have any Apple device, whether that's an iPhone, an iPad, you can go to the podcast app it's free on every Apple device and then you can type in Embrace your Reel. First, make sure you're subscribed so that you never miss an episode when they drop, and then also you can scroll all the way down and leave a rating interview. That means the absolute world to me and our team Just kind of know how this podcast maybe a specific episode has helped you or just the podcast in general has helped you. So thank you in advance for doing that. Okay, let's dive into it, why self-criticism doesn't work the way that we think it does. So first let's kind of look at why we tend to beat ourselves up in the first place, like most of us believe that if we're hard enough on ourselves, we'll magically be more motivated and that guilt will push us to be better, that if we don't punish ourselves for slipping up, we'll just let everything fall apart. But that's really not how change works. Like that is really not how change works. In fact, there's actually a ton of research on this.
03:38
But I really want to highlight a well-known and well-respected name in the space. Her name's Dr Kristen Neff, and if you're not familiar with her work, she's actually one of the leading researchers on the topic of self-compassion. Her studies have completely reshaped the way that we think about motivation and behavior change, and what Dr Neff's research consistently shows is that people who practice self-compassion, not self-criticism, are actually more likely to stick with their goals over time. Yeah, you heard that right. Because being kind to yourself does not make you soft, it does not make you lazy. It makes you more consistent, more resilient and more likely to stay on track.
04:14
And I'm going to say that again because it's worth repeating the people who are the most successful at sticking with their goals whether that is nutritional goals, whether that's professional goals, whether that's personal goals are not the ones who are the hardest on themselves. They are the ones who know how to offer themselves grace when things don't go perfectly. In fact, one of the studies that she actually references researchers looked at how college students respond to failing a test, and some of the students responded with self-criticism, telling themselves like oh, I'm so stupid, I always mess up. Whereas others responded with self-compassion and they acknowledged that failing was hard, but it reminded themselves that everything and everyone struggles sometimes. But the others, who responded with self-compassion, they acknowledged that, yes, failing is hard, but reminded themselves that everyone struggles sometimes and that one test does not define them. And the outcome the students who were actually kind to themselves were actually more likely to study harder and perform better on their next test, whereas the ones who beat themselves up were more likely to shut down, avoid the subject altogether and continue to struggle.
05:21
So really think about that in the context of your fitness journey or nutrition or really any goal that you're working towards in your life right now. When you beat yourself up for messing up whether that's missing a workout, eating something that you didn't plan for, losing your temper you activate what's called the threat system in your brain and this is your body's fight or flight, kind of the freeze response right. Your nervous system floods with cortisol and stress hormones and in that stressed out state your brain isn't focused on learning or problem solving, it's actually focused on survival. So instead of reflecting on what went wrong and adjusting that approach, you're way more likely to either shut down completely, avoid the issue or repeat the same mistake, because you're just stuck in that loop of I'm a failure, I'm a failure, and that shame spiral takes over. And, as you probably know from experience, shame isn't exactly the greatest motivator, right.
06:10
But here's kind of the flip side and this is the game changer here. When you respond to yourself with compassion and you say, okay, that didn't go how I wanted it, but what can I learn from it? How can I support myself better next time? You actually deactivate the threat system and you engage what researchers call the care system in your brain, and this care system is linked to feelings of safety, feelings of connection and problem solving. So in that calmer, more regulated state, your brain stays open and it stays curious. You're actually able to process the mistake, you're able to reflect on what led to it and make a different choice going forward. You're also more likely to try again instead of giving up. You're more likely to stay consistent, because you're not operating from fear. You're operating from care.
06:56
So let me get this straight to you no, self-compassion isn't weakness. It's not letting yourself off the hook. It's not an excuse. What it is, though, is actually one of the most powerful performance tools that you have. It can help you stay in the game. It can keep you learning, keep you moving forward, without the emotional beatdown that can and will derail your progress at some point, so I need you to remember this that no-transcript over shame will win every single time.
07:24
Okay, okay, now I know what you might be thinking. If I don't hold myself accountable, won't I just slack off? Like if you just give yourself that free pass every single time that you skip a workout or you disregard you know, eating properly, fueling your body optimally, how do you even make progress? And I 100% get that. It's kind of scary to give yourself self-compassion because of this belief, but here's the thing I really believe that there's a big difference between self-accountability and self-punishment. So, let's say you skipped a workout.
07:53
Self-punishment sounds like you're just being so lazy. You always do this. Why even bother trying? But, on the flip side, self-accountability sounds like okay, I skipped the workout. Why did that happen? Was I overwhelmed? Did I overschedule my day, you know? Was it something in my son's schedule or my kid's schedule that I just couldn't control? What can I do differently tomorrow? And when you are really self-accountable, you are essentially saying I care about myself enough to hold myself to a standard without beating myself up.
08:22
And this approach is rooted in growth and it's also solution oriented. It's not about dwelling on the mistake. It's about really figuring out what went wrong and why it went wrong and really learning from it and doing something differently next time, like you're finding the root of the problem and you're creating a solution. When you're being self-accountable, you're asking yourself things like okay, what happened, why did it happen and what's the next best step that I can take. You're being honest, you're being reflective, you're being compassionate, while also being very solution-oriented and taking action. You're saying, okay, the choice didn't align with my goals and I'm going to make a better one tomorrow because I care about where I'm going. It's really responsibility, without self-rejection.
09:07
But what about self-punishment? Well, let's kind of talk about that, because it's a whole different story. So self-punishment instead says I just messed up, I must be so lazy, I must be so undisciplined, I'm unworthy, I'm broken. You fill in the blank. It's rooted in shame and not solutions. It does not ask how can I grow from this, it just piles on guilt, judgment and criticism. And here's the thing self-punishment doesn't actually fix anything. It just keeps you stuck in your head, spinning in the same cycle of guilt and the same cycle of inaction, because when you are operating from shame, you're not focused on changing. You're focused on hiding or over correcting or just quitting altogether.
09:49
And this isn't just me saying this. This is actually backed by research. Remember the study that I mentioned earlier from Dr Kristen Neff, the one where students, you know, who are kinder to themselves after failing a test were actually more likely to study better and improve next time. This is exactly what we're talking about here. The students who beat themselves up didn't walk away more motivated. They walked away defeated. They avoided the subject, they shut down. Their performance got worse. Meanwhile, the students who approached their setback with self-compassion actually stayed engaged. They stayed curious. They asked what can I learn from this, what can I do differently? And that right there, that curiosity over criticism, that is the difference between staying stuck in shame and actually growing. So I want you to remember this.
10:32
When you make a mistake or when you fall short of your goals or make decisions that don't align with your goals, you have two choices you can shame yourself into shutting down or you can support yourself into showing up. One keeps you stuck, the other one keeps you moving forward. So the next time that that harsh inner voice shows up, I want you to remember judgment does not create change, compassion does. Let me say that loud and clear Judgment does not create change, compassion does. Self-accountability is a tool for growth. It's what helps you move forward with purpose, with clarity and with confidence.
11:12
Self-punishment is a trap. It keeps you stuck in your past and disconnected from your potential. So the next time that you slip up because we're all human here and we definitely will I want you to pause and I want you to ask yourself am I being solution-oriented right now, or am I just beating myself up? One will move you closer to your goals and the other one will make you feel like you'll never get there. You have to choose growth, you have to choose compassion. You have to choose accountability every single time. Okay, I think you kind of get the picture.
11:43
So let's kind of talk about some practical ways to shift your self-talk in the moment. So what do you actually do when that critical voice shows up? Because it will not if, but when. We cannot just flip a switch and never have a negative thought again, but we can learn to respond to them differently. So here's kind of three go-to scripts you can try next time your brain starts to throw shade at you.
12:06
Script number one from I'm such a failure to wow. This was a really hard moment, but this is not the definition of who I am. When you mess up whether it's a workout you didn't finish or even start, or a meal that didn't align with your goals remind yourself this is a moment. This is not a moral failing. You are not your worst day, and the sooner you zoom out, the faster you get back on track. Script number two from I should have done more to. I did what I could with the energy and the capacity that I had.
12:36
Today. This one's big. If you're someone who really pushes hard all the time, you have to learn to honor your capacity and remember that that does not mean making excuses, it means making peace with your humanity, and that's actually what builds consistency. And last but not least, script number three from what's wrong with me, to what does this moment need from me right now? So, instead of turning inward with blame, turn toward the present moment with support. Maybe you need rest, maybe you need to recommit, maybe you need to reset your environment, but asking what you need really does open the door for action. Blame, on the other hand, slams it shut. And a final reminder for your heart today is look, I get it. I get how hard it is to unlearn that voice in your head.
13:22
So many of us were taught that being hard on ourselves was the path to success. But here's what I want you to remember you don't need to be perfect to be consistent. You don't need to be flawless to be worthy, and you don't need to punish yourself to improve. The goal isn't to never mess up. The goal is to shorten the time between the mess up and the bounce back. And that bounce back happens faster when you stop wasting the energy on shame and you actually start using it to move forward.
13:52
So if you're resonating with what I've been talking about in today's episode and you're saying I just wish that I had a better relationship with fitness, in particular inside my Movement With Julia app, we're not just about checking off workouts. We're about building a relationship with your body that's rooted in respect, consistency and care. The programming, the education, the mindset tools all of those things. This is designed to help you stay accountable without the shame spiral, because, the truth is, the most successful fitness journey isn't the one where you never mess up. It's the one where you know how to support yourself and you keep showing up even when life gets messy. So if you're ready to trade that self-punishment for self-accountability and still get stronger along the way, come join us, head over to salemoomujulicom Again, that's salemoomujulicom or you can simply click the link in the show notes.
14:48
So let's do a quick recap of today's episode. Number one beating yourself up doesn't make you more disciplined. It makes you more discouraged. Number two self-compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook. It's really helping yourself back up. Number three you can practice accountability without judgment by just acting curious, asking the kind questions. And, last but not least and number four, you can change your self-talk in the moment by using those simple, powerful reframe scripts that we talked about. Most importantly, though, you're doing better than you think, and if you're here listening to this podcast, you're trying to grow, you're trying to show up for yourself, and that means something that actually counts.
15:30
So I need you to take a deep breath. I need you to forgive yourself. I need you to recommit and move forward with love. If you love this episode, I know you will also love episode 480, the power of small efforts in your fitness journey. I will go ahead and link that in the show notes that you can easily go check that out, but that is all that I have for today's episode.
15:48
My friend, if this episode hit home for you, would you do me a favor and share it with another woman who might need this message today? Or, again, just leave a review. It really does help more than you know, but that is all that I have for today. I love you so dang much. I mean it, and I'll talk to you in the next one.
16:13
All right, sister, that's all I got for you today, but I have two things that I need you to do. First thing if you are not already following me on the gram, be sure to do so. Julie A Ledbetter yes, it's with an A in the middle for that daily post-workout real talk, healthy tips and tricks and honest accountability to keep your mind and heart in check. The second thing be sure to subscribe to Apple Podcasts to never miss an episode. Thank you so much for joining me. It means the absolute world, and I'm going to leave you with one last thought. The most beautiful women that I have met in my life are the ones who are completely confident and secure in being authentically themselves. Remember that beauty goes so much deeper than the surface. So go out there and embrace your real, because you're worth it there.