3 Things That Change When You Stop Trying To Be A Perfect Mom

 

Mama, when was the last time you ended the day and actually let yourself believe you did a good job?

Maybe the house was still messy. Maybe dinner was whatever you could throw together. Maybe you lost your patience once or twice. Maybe the day looked nothing like the version you had in your head.

But your kids were fed. They were loved. They were safe.

And somehow, even with all of that being true, it can still feel hard to say, “I did enough today.”

If that feels familiar, this episode is for you.

Somewhere along the way, the bar for being a “good mom” got set so high that no real human could reach it. And now so many moms are walking around feeling like they are failing when they are actually doing an incredible job.

In this episode of Embrace Your Real, we are talking about three things that change when you stop trying to be a perfect mom. My hope is that this helps you loosen your grip on the version of motherhood that was never realistic and start seeing the ways you are already showing up.

What’s Discussed:

  • Where the pressure to be a perfect mom starts to come from

  • Why the “good mom” standard can feel impossible to reach

  • What your kids actually learn when they see you handle real life

  • How chasing perfect can pull you out of the moments you want to be in

  • Why taking care of yourself matters inside motherhood too

  • What can happen when motherhood stops feeling like a performance

  • The simple question that can help you quiet the guilt at the end of the day

If you are looking for a simple way to take care of yourself in the middle of motherhood, Movement With Julie was built for exactly that. The workouts are already planned for you, with options that can fit into real life, even when your schedule feels full. Head to movementwithjulie.com to get started.

If you loved this episode, you will also love Episode 515: How Exercise Transforms Your Mental Health as a New Mom. It is the perfect next listen if you want to understand how even small amounts of movement can change the way you show up for yourself and your kids.

If you want more from me, be sure to check out…

Transcript

(0:00) Hey there, beautiful human. You're listening to Embrace Your Real with me, Julie Ledbetter, (0:05) a podcast where I empower you to just be you. With each episode, I give you a dose of real talk (0:11) and actionable advice for building your confidence, honoring your body, and unconditionally loving your (0:17) authentic self.

Stay tuned if you're ready to Embrace Your Real. Let's get in, let's go. (0:27) Hello and welcome back to another episode on the Embrace Your Real podcast.

I'm so glad that (0:32) you're here with me today. Okay, so I want to ask every single mama listening right now the question, (0:38) when was the last time you ended a day and actually felt like you did a good job? Not a perfect day, (0:43) not the day where you made the craft and cooked the homemade meal and had the beautiful afternoon (0:48) that looked like it came straight off of Pinterest, but just like a regular day where you went to bed (0:53) thinking like, I did enough today. If you are having a hard time thinking of one, I want you (0:58) to keep listening because I think somewhere along the way, the bar for what makes a good mom (1:03) got set at a height that no human can actually reach.

And I'm not talking about the pressure (1:09) that we put on ourselves. I'm talking about the pressure that comes from everywhere else, like the (1:14) Instagram posts, the other moms at school pickup or in the Facebook groups, the way that people (1:19) talk about their weekends, like every Saturday was some kind of highlight reel. And the result (1:24) is that so many women are walking around genuinely believing that they're failing (1:29) when they're actually just doing such an incredible job.

I know that because I have (1:34) been there. Like obviously I'm not in the school pickup line yet. I'm not in those (1:38) groups at school, but I can go on social media and instantly start comparing myself and being (1:45) like, dang, I'm not a good mom.

Like I don't have the crafts picked out. I don't have any of this (1:50) Blake probably thinks I'm such a lame mom. And I just start letting that impact me.

And I (1:57) want to share these things that will actually help you to change. And so today I just want to share (2:03) three things that actually change when you stop trying to be the perfect mom. And this episode is (2:09) just as much for me as it is for you and why letting go of perfect might be the best (2:15) thing that you ever do for yourself and your kids.

Before I dive in though, I want to share (2:19) this review. She gave a five star view and said the motivation that I needed. I cannot express (2:23) enough how happy I am that I found this podcast.

I liked it so much that I decided to start from (2:28) the beginning. Every episode is so helpful and uplifting. I feel like listening to this is exactly (2:33) what I need to start off every day, right? Thank you, Julie, for being so real and raw (2:38) and relatable.

You give me hope. Well, first of all, thank you for going back to listening (2:43) from the beginning because those are OG days. That's me sitting in my literal closet (2:50) on the floor and the microphone was on a shoebox.

So that's amazing that you're there. And I'm (2:56) sharing that with you because you're on the Embrace Your Real podcast. You're getting the (2:59) real and the raw here, okay? So grateful for you for going all the way back and doing that.

(3:05) I have not listened to those episodes in years. And so grateful that you did that. And also, (3:12) I'm so thankful that you are liking these episodes.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to (3:16) send in this review. They really do mean the world to me and our team. Just kind of know (3:20) either how an episode has helped you or just the podcast in general.

So if you could scooch over (3:25) to Apple Podcasts, leave a rating interview, that would mean the absolute world to me and (3:28) our team. Just kind of know how it's helping you and also helps us to reach more women. So (3:34) thank you in advance for doing that.

All right, let's get right into it. Before I give you (3:39) the three things, I think that it's really important to understand where all this pressure (3:43) is actually coming from. Because once you see it clearly, I think a lot of the guilt starts (3:47) to loosen its grip.

The version of motherhood that most of us are measuring ourselves against is (3:53) genuinely new, historically new. For most of human history, women raise kids together. There (4:00) were grandmothers, there were aunts, there were neighbors around helping.

Nobody was doing all (4:04) of this alone and nobody was expected to. The idea that you should be able to cook every (4:08) meal, keep the house clean, be fully present with your kids, show up for work, take care of your (4:11) body and still have energy at the end of the day. That expectation did not exist until very recently (4:17) and it was never really based in anything real.

And I think that that is the bar though that (4:23) we're holding ourselves to. And on top of that, you're constantly seeing other women who look like (4:27) they're living up to the standard and then you end up comparing their best moments to your (4:32) hardest ones. So before we go any further, I want you to hear this.

You cannot fail a (4:37) standard that was never real. Like the sensory bin is not the standard. The meal from scratch (4:42) every single night is not the standard.

The house that is always clean is not the standard. The (4:47) craft that is always pre-organized for the next day, that is not the standard. Those things are (4:53) wonderful.

And if you have the time and the energy for them, amazing. But they are not what (4:57) makes you a good mom. What makes you a good mom is the fact that you keep showing up even on the (5:03) days where dinner is some meat and fruit in front of the TV and the house looks like a bomb (5:08) went off and you feel like you're barely keeping it together.

You are still there. You're still (5:13) trying and your kids still feel loved at the end of the day. That, that alone is good enough.

(5:19) And here's what actually changes when you stop chasing perfect and you start letting that be (5:24) enough. Number one, you start teaching your kids how to handle real life. And I think that (5:30) this is the one that catches a lot of moms off guard because when you let go of perfect, (5:35) it does not feel like you're teaching your kids anything.

Like it feels like you're personally (5:39) falling short. Your kids are seeing something completely different. Your kids are watching (5:43) you all the time.

And I don't just mean watching what you do. They're also watching how you (5:48) respond when things don't go the way that you planned. Like when dinner burns and you shrug it (5:53) off and just pivot, they see that.

When you have a hard day and you don't tear yourself (5:57) apart over it, they see that. When you make a mistake and say, I got that wrong, (6:02) but let's try again without beating yourself up for days. They see that too.

And what you (6:07) are showing them in those moments is so much more valuable than any craft or any lesson plan. (6:13) You are showing them how to handle being imperfect, like how to recover, how to keep (6:19) going when something doesn't work out. And I think about this, even in the smallest moments, (6:24) like the way that you react when something spills, the way that you talk to yourself (6:28) after a day that didn't go well, your kids are right there absorbing all of it.

And the way (6:35) that you treat yourself is shaping the way that they're going to treat themselves one day, (6:39) which is a massive deal. Think about what you actually want for your kids. You want them (6:44) to be resilient, right? You want them to handle disappointment without falling apart.

(6:49) You want them to be kind to themselves when they mess up. You want them to try again, (6:53) even after they fail, instead of giving up. Those are things that we all want for our kids, (6:59) but your kids are not going to learn that from something that you tell.

But just remember that (7:04) your kids are not going to learn that from something you tell them. They're going to learn it from (7:09) watching you. So when you're constantly tearing yourself apart for not being perfect, what is (7:14) that teaching them? It's teaching them that perfection is the standard and that mistakes are something (7:19) to be ashamed of.

But when they watch you say, today was hard and I did my best and that's enough, (7:24) they learn something completely different. They learn that imperfection is survivable, (7:30) that you can fall short and it does not define you. And guess what? That is resilience.

And it's (7:35) one of the most important things that you will ever teach your kids. When you give yourself (7:39) permission to be good enough instead of perfect, you are not lowering the bar for your kids. (7:45) You're teaching them how to be kind to themselves.

And that is something that they're going to carry (7:51) with them for the rest of their lives. Number two, you actually become more present. Think about what (7:58) your kids are actually going to remember when they grew up.

Think about what you remember (8:02) when you were a kid and now you're an adult. Think back to what you remember. (8:08) They're not going to remember whether the birthday cake was homemade or store bought.

(8:12) They're not going to remember whether the playroom was always perfectly organized and (8:17) sanitized. They instead are going to remember how you made them feel. Whether you are warm, (8:24) whether you laugh with them, whether you looked at them in their eyes when they talked to you, (8:27) whether they felt safe.

And the problem with chasing perfect is that it takes you out of (8:33) those moments. When you are mentally running through everything that you didn't get done (8:37) or beating yourself up or falling short, you are physically there but you're not really in it. (8:41) And I've personally noticed this in my own time.

I've personally noticed this in my own life at (8:46) times. There have been days where I've been so focused on getting every single thing done, (8:51) making sure that the house looks okay, making sure that I'm on top of work, making sure that (8:55) I got my work out and making sure that I got ready and changed out of my pajamas or out of (9:00) my workout clothes, making sure that dinner is handled. And by the end of the time I actually (9:05) sit down with Blake, I literally have nothing left.

My body is there but my brain is just (9:09) running through the list. And Blake can feel that. He always can.

Every kid can. And then (9:15) later that night I feel guilty about that too. Like, oh man, I wasn't present enough.

I should (9:19) have been more engaged. And the whole cycle just starts again. But then there are the (9:23) days where I just let a bunch of stuff go.

Like the house is a mess. Dinner was whatever (9:28) I could throw together in like five minutes and nothing on my to-do list got touched but I was (9:33) actually there. Like I was laughing.

I was paying attention. I was in it. And those are always (9:39) personally the better days every single time.

The pressure to be a great mom and show up for work (9:45) and keep the house together and take care of yourself. When you are trying to do it all (9:49) perfectly, you end up spread so thin that you are not fully in any of it. A rested (9:55) present mom who ordered pizza for dinner is going to give her kids so much more than a (10:03) nothing left by 6 p.m. I need you to realize that you matter in this equation too.

Like your (10:09) energy matters. Taking care of yourself is not separate from being a good mom. It's part of (10:14) being a good mom.

And this is personally why I built my moment with Julie the way that I did. (10:19) So it's not just another thing on your list but workouts you can do from home. Literally (10:24) it's built for whatever your life looks like right now.

All you need is a few pair of (10:29) dumbbells and a small space, five brand new workouts every single week, 30 minutes, 60 (10:33) minutes. Just open up the app, follow the workouts, stay consistent with it. If you want to learn more (10:38) you can go to sale, S-A-L-E dot move with Julie dot com.

But I've personally learned that you (10:43) have more patience, more energy, and more of yourself to actually give. When you show up (10:48) for yourself, you are able to show up for those around you differently. Last but not least, (10:54) number three, you start enjoying being a mom again.

All right, I want to be really honest (10:58) here because there was a stretch and I'm only, you know, two plus years into this so far, but (11:04) there was a stretch where just being a mom felt really heavy. Like every day I was just trying (11:09) to get through it, like wake up, keep everybody alive, do all the things, go to bed, do it again. (11:15) And I love Blake so much but I was just not having a good time and I felt terrible about it.

(11:19) And I think that a lot of moms feel this way but nobody really wants to say it because it (11:24) sounds like you don't love your kids, but you do like more than anything, like so much like (11:28) you love your child so, so much, but loving your children and actually enjoying your day-to-day (11:34) life as a mom are two completely different things. And when I stopped putting so much pressure on (11:38) myself to get everything right, something really unexpected happened. Like I started having fun (11:43) again, like actually laughing with Blake and being silly and saying yes to random stuff just (11:48) because it sounded fun and not worrying about whether the house was clean or whether I had (11:52) everything checked off my to-do list first.

And it's crazy how different your day feels when you're (11:58) not grading yourself throughout the whole thing. Like you're lighter, you have more energy, you're (12:01) not dreading the afternoon because you already feel behind by noon. I think so many moms right (12:06) now are deep in the doing and the managing and the worrying that they have completely lost the (12:12) fun part.

And that makes me sad because this is supposed to be one of the best times of your (12:17) life and it absolutely can be, but not while you're holding yourself to a standard that leaves (12:23) no room for you to actually enjoy it. Like your kids are going to grow up, the phase is going to (12:29) end and I want you to look back on it and think that was hard, but it was also really, really (12:34) good. Not just I survived it.

Good enough parenting gives you that, but perfection never (12:41) will. All right, before I wrap things up, I want to give you one thing to take with you. (12:46) One other question that you can come back to on the hard days, one question that you can come back (12:52) to on the hard days when guilt shows up and you start spiraling over everything you didn't do, (12:57) I want you to ask yourself, was my kid fed? Was my kid loved? And was my kid safe today? (13:03) That's it.

That's the whole standard fed, loved, and safe. The stuff that actually matters is so (13:10) much more simpler than we have made it. Because when you zoom out, those are the things that (13:15) shape a child and the things your kids are going to look back on when they're grown and realize, (13:20) I was taken care of, I was wanted, and I was safe.

So the next time that you're lying in (13:26) bed at night, running through the mental checklist of things, everything that you didn't do. So the (13:31) next time that you're lying in bed at night, running through your mental checklist of everything (13:35) you didn't do, I want you to stop and ask that question. And if the answer is yes, and I'm (13:40) willing to bet that most nights the answer is yes, then close the list.

You did enough, (13:45) you were enough, and tomorrow you get to do it all over again. All right, let me quickly (13:49) recap today's episode. So the three things that happen when you stop trying to be perfect.

When (13:56) you stop trying to be perfect, you start teaching your kids how to handle real life. When you give (14:01) yourself grace, you're teaching them how to give it to themselves. Number two, when you stop trying (14:05) to be perfect, you actually can become more present.

And present is what your kids are (14:10) going to remember. Chasing perfect costs you the very thing that they need most from you. (14:15) And last but not least, number three, when you stop trying to be perfect, you start enjoying (14:20) being a mom again, and you only get this time once, and you deserve to be in it instead of (14:25) constantly being anxious throughout every single day.

When the hard days hit, I want you to come (14:30) back to that question. Was my kid fed? Were they loved? And were they safe today? And if yes, (14:36) congratulations, you did it. Because at the end of the day, your kids don't need you to be (14:41) everything.

They just need you to be theirs. And you already are. And I think if more moms (14:46) heard that and actually believed it, we would have a lot less guilt and a lot more women (14:51) actually enjoying this time with their kids.

If you love this episode, I know you also love (14:56) episode 5.15, how exercise transforms your mental health as a new mom. We talk about even (15:02) how the smallest amounts of movement can change the way that you show up for yourself and your (15:06) kids. I will link that in the show notes so that you can easily go check that out.

Again, (15:09) if you are looking for a simple way to take care of yourself in the chaos of motherhood, (15:14) Movement with Julie is built exactly for where you are. You can head over to (15:18) S-A-L-E dot movement Julie.com. I will also link it in the show notes below. (15:22) If this episode helped you, would you just share it with a mama who maybe needs to hear it? Maybe (15:27) a new mom or just an overwhelmed mom, maybe someone you had a conversation with, whether it's just (15:31) sister or friend, someone in your family, just sometimes knowing that someone else feels the same (15:36) can make all the difference.

And if you're not already following the podcast on Apple or (15:40) Spotify, please make sure to do so that you never miss an episode. And if this one helped (15:44) you again, if you could leave a rating and review, I would love to hear from you. (15:48) That is all that I have for today's episode.

Thanks so much for being here with me. And the (15:52) next time you catch yourself feeling the pressure to be a perfect mom, just remember this. You are (15:57) not falling short.

You are showing up. And for your kids, that's everything. All right.

I love (16:02) you. I mean it. And I'll talk to the next one.

All right, sister. That's all I got for you today, (16:15) but I have two things that I need you to do. First thing, if you're not already following me (16:21) on the gram, be sure to do so Julie A. Ledbetter.

Yes, it's with an A in the middle for that daily (16:26) post-workout real talk, healthy tips and tricks, and honest accountability to keep your mind and (16:32) heart in check. The second thing, be sure to subscribe to Apple podcasts to never miss an (16:37) episode. Thank you so much for joining me.

It means the absolute world. And I'm going to leave (16:43) you with one last thought. The most beautiful women that I have met in my life are the ones (16:48) who are completely confident and secure in being authentically themselves.

Remember that beauty (16:54) goes so much deeper than the surface. So go out there and embrace your real because you're worth it.

 
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