The Comparison That's Actually Worth Making

 

Hey hey beautiful human!

Most of us have been told to stop comparing ourselves to other people, and honestly, that advice sounds good until you remember that your brain does not really work that way. You can tell yourself to stay in your own lane, but then you open your phone, see someone else’s body, progress, or routine, and suddenly your brain is already measuring before you even meant to.

So maybe the goal is not to stop comparing completely. Maybe the goal is to stop comparing yourself to people whose full story you do not know, and start comparing yourself to the one person you actually have enough context for: you.

In this episode of Embrace Your Real, I’m breaking down why comparison is not always the enemy, how to tell when it is helping versus hurting you, and how to look back at your own progress without turning it into a shame spiral.

What’s Discussed:

  • Why comparison is a natural brain function, not a personal flaw

  • Why external comparison usually leaves you feeling worse

  • How your brain compares your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel

  • Why your past self can become either a source of shame or a record of growth

  • How to compare yourself to yourself in a way that is specific, honest, and forward-moving

  • Why tracking your progress can build confidence when you use it as evidence, not judgment

If you loved this episode, you'll also love: Episode 540: Why Beating Yourself Up Isn't Helping You Reach Your Goals. It pairs perfectly with this conversation because it helps you stop turning progress into another reason to judge yourself and start using it as something that supports you.


Ready to have every 30-minute session pre-planned, pre-programmed, and built around exactly this structure? Head to movementwithjulie.com and get started inside the Movement With Julie app. 

If you want more from me, be sure to check out… 

Website: www.juliealedbetter.com

Transcript

(0:00) Hey there, beautiful human. You're listening to Embrace Your Real with me, Julie Ledbetter, (0:05) a podcast where I empower you to just be you. With each episode, I give you a dose of real (0:11) talk and actionable advice for building your confidence, honoring your body, and unconditionally (0:16) loving your authentic self.

Stay tuned if you're ready to Embrace Your Real. Let's get it. Let's go.

(0:28) Hello and welcome back to another episode on the Embrace Your Real podcast. I am so glad (0:33) that you are here today because I want to talk about something that I think it's oversimplified (0:37) a lot in the wellness space, and that is comparison. You've heard it a thousand times.

Stop comparing (0:42) yourself to others. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just focus on your own lane and so on and (0:46) so on.

And honestly, that advice is not wrong, but I believe that it's incomplete because there (0:51) is a version of comparison that is not stealing from you at all. In fact, there is a version (0:56) that's actually one of the most powerful tools that you can have for staying motivated, (1:00) measuring progress, building genuine confidence over time, and that's what we're going to be (1:05) getting into today. So here's my hope that you can walk away from at the end of this episode.

(1:10) You're going to have an understanding of why comparison is a natural brain function and not (1:15) a character flaw, a clear way to tell the difference between the kind that hurts you (1:19) and the kind that helps you, and some practical tools for looking back at where you have been (1:23) without turning it into a shame spiral. Before we dive in, though, I want to share this review. (1:28) You should give a five-star review and said, love it.

I absolutely love this podcast. Advice, (1:33) tips, tricks, and a healthy dose of positivity. Julie's podcast has been a game changer for me.

(1:38) I've struggled with self-image and self-doubt all of my life. Julie's words fill my cup and (1:42) inspire me to embrace myself all while I can be my best version of myself from me, (1:48) my family, and the world. Thank you, Julie, for always delivering a real-time message just (1:52) when I need it.

I've noticed I have more grace for myself and others. I love this so much. (1:57) Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to send in these reviews.

I love when you (2:01) guys just share how this podcast has helped you in any way, shape, or form, whether it's been a (2:05) specific episode or just in general. So thank you really from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate (2:10) you guys.

All right, we're just going to dive right into today's episode. So before we talk about (2:15) what to do with comparison, I think it's worth understanding why it happens at all, right? Because (2:20) if you've ever told yourself that you need to just stop comparing and then found yourself doing (2:24) it anyway 30 seconds later, there's actually a reason for that. Comparison is a hardwired brain (2:29) function.

Yeah, that's right. It's hardwired. So your brain is constantly scanning your environment (2:34) and measuring you against what it finds there.

This is not a flaw in your character. It's (2:39) actually a survival mechanism. Historically, knowing how you measured up in your group, (2:44) whether you were keeping pace, pulling your weight, staying safe, that mattered.

Your (2:48) brain developed comparison as a tool to help you navigate your place in the world. (2:52) The problem is that the world your brain was designed for look nothing like the one that (2:57) we actually live in, right? It was not designed for Instagram feeds and before and after photos (3:02) and highlight rails of thousands of strangers who have just been filtered, lit, and carefully (3:06) selected to represent the best possible version of one moment in their day. So when your brain (3:12) does its completely natural comparison scan and then lands on someone else's transformation photo (3:17) or their PR or the way that their body looks in a swimsuit, it's not doing anything wrong.

(3:21) It's literally just using this ancient tool in an environment that it was really never built for. (3:27) Understanding this is the first step because the goal is to not stop your brain from comparing. (3:32) The goal is to give it something useful to compare against.

So now I want to kind of dive (3:37) into the comparison that depletes you versus the comparison that builds you because there's (3:42) two very different kinds of comparison and they produce very different results and outcomes. (3:47) Type number one is external comparison and this is when you measure yourself against someone else, (3:53) another woman's body, another woman's progress, another woman's timeline, etc. (3:58) And the reason this kind of comparison almost always depletes you is that it is never a fair (4:04) measurement.

You are comparing your internal experience, your whole messy complicated behind (4:09) the scenes reality to someone else's external presentation. You do not know her starting (4:14) point. You do not know her circumstances, her history, her genetics, her support system, (4:18) or what her life actually looks like outside of the image that you're seeing.

You're making a (4:23) judgment based on an incomplete information and then you're treating it as fact. The second type (4:28) though is internal comparison and this is very different. Internal comparison is you measured (4:34) against you.

So your body now versus your body six months ago, your strength this month versus (4:39) your strength last month, your relationship with food this month or today versus your (4:43) relationship with food two years ago, right? This kind of comparison is fair. You do know the full (4:49) story. You know the starting point, the context, the hard weeks, and the progress that did not (4:53) show up just in the photo.

And when you use that information honestly, it stops being a source of (4:59) shame and really does start being a source of genuine evidence that you're moving forward when (5:05) used in a productive way. Here's kind of where it gets complicated for a lot of women though, (5:11) because even if you're looking at your own past, that can become a source of pain if you're not (5:15) doing it with the right intention. The most common version of this sounds like I should have (5:19) started sooner.

I wasted so many years. I could have been much further along by now. I wish I (5:24) would have known then what I know now.

And I want to address that directly because I've personally (5:29) been there like recently, right? There have been seasons of my life where I looked back (5:33) at who I used to be, what I used to be able to do, and how consistent I used to feel. And (5:40) distance between where I was and where I thought I should be. And that distance felt like failure.

(5:47) But here's what I had to eventually reckon with, right? The version of me that I was comparing (5:51) myself to was not a fair reference point. I was measuring myself against a memory, a highlight, (5:57) a snapshot of one particular season that had its own circumstances, its own advantages, (6:03) its own things that I was not seeing clearly because I was inside of them at the time. (6:07) And I think a lot of women do this.

We romanticize our past selves in a way that is not entirely (6:12) accurate. And then when we use this ideal version as the standard that we're failing to meet, (6:17) that's not an honest measurement. That's just a setup, right? And the other version of this (6:21) is the shame spiral that gets triggered by not a romanticized past, but by a painful one.

(6:27) Like you look back and you see the years that you spent in a difficult relationship with food (6:31) or the time that you had lost this all or nothing cycle, the version of yourself who did (6:36) not know what you know now. And instead of feeling comparison for her, you just feel frustration. Like, (6:42) Oh, why did it take me so long? Why did I do that to myself? That version of looking back is (6:47) also not internal comparison.

It's just grief dressed up as judgment. So let me kind of offer (6:53) you a different way to look at your past self entirely. She was doing the best that she could (6:59) with what she had at the time.

She did not have all the information that you have now. (7:03) She was navigating the circumstances she was in with the tools available to her in a culture (7:08) that's actively feeding her misinformation about her body and what it needed. And she (7:12) was just figuring it out just like you are still figuring it out.

Useful comparison looks back in (7:18) order to move forward. It asks what has changed? What have I learned? What can I see now that I (7:24) could not see back then? It treats your past self with the same grace that you would extend (7:29) to a friend who's doing her best in a really hard season. When you look at your past from that angle, (7:35) it stops being a source of shame and really starts being like a record of growth and a record (7:41) of growth is genuinely motivating in a way that shame never is.

So what does this look like in (7:47) practice? Useful internal comparison is very specific. It's not a just a general feeling (7:52) that you're doing better. It is the ability to point to something concrete.

So number one, (7:58) compare your life then versus your life now. This one matters so much, especially if you find (8:04) yourself thinking like, oh, I just used to be so much more consistent or I don't understand why I (8:08) can't get back to where I was. Instead of stopping at that thought, I want you to take it one step (8:13) further and really look at your life during the time that you compared to your life right now.

(8:18) What was your schedule like back then? What did your days actually look like? How much responsibility (8:23) were you carrying at the time? Were you under a lot of stress? Were you in a different season (8:27) of life where you had more time, more energy and fewer demands on you? Maybe you were not juggling (8:32) a demanding job. Maybe you did not have kids yet. Maybe you had evenings, but they were not (8:37) as full as they are right now.

Maybe you were sleeping more. Maybe your mental load was lighter (8:42) or you simply just had more space to focus on yourself. All of those things matter because when (8:47) you look back and say, I was more consistent then what you're often doing is just isolating the (8:52) result without looking at the environment that made the result possible.

So instead of asking like, (8:58) why can't I just be like that again? A more honest and helpful question is, okay, (9:03) what were the conditions that supported that version of me? And do those conditions exist (9:08) in my life right now? If the answer is no, then it makes complete sense that your consistency (9:13) looks different. That does not mean that you're doing something wrong. It means that your life (9:17) has changed and your approach needs to change with it.

Number two, compare your habits, (9:22) not just how you feel. So a lot of the time when, when something feels off, we stay at that level (9:27) of emotion. Like you might notice that your energy is lower.

Your motivation is not where it used to (9:32) be, or you just do not feel as good in your body as you once did. You'll say things like, man, (9:36) I just had so much more energy last year, or I'm not as resilient as it used to be, (9:41) or whatever that feeling might be. And it's very easy to stop there and make it mean (9:46) something about yourself.

But if you want to use internal comparison in a way that actually (9:50) helps you, you have to zoom in on what is happening beneath that feeling. When you feel (9:56) your best, what does your life actually look like on a daily basis? What are your habits (10:00) during those seasons? Are you eating consistently throughout the day? Or are you skipping meals (10:05) trying to catch up later? Are you prioritizing protein and fueling your body in a way that (10:09) supports your energy? Are you moving your body regularly in a way that feels structured (10:14) and intentional? What does your sleep look like? What does your stress level look like? (10:18) How present are you in your routines? Now compare that to a time when you did not feel your best. (10:25) Are you more reactive with your schedule? Are you skipping workouts or doing them (10:28) inconsistently? Are you under eating or over relying on convenience foods? Are you staying (10:34) up later and getting less rest? Are you more overwhelmed and less intentional with your time? (10:39) This is where the clarity is going to come from because instead of labeling yourself as (10:43) not feeling good or having low energy, you can start to see the patterns that (10:48) are actually driving how you feel.

You can compare the habits you have when you start (10:52) to feel your best versus the habits that you have right now when you're not feeling your best. (10:57) And once you can see those patterns, you can change them. (11:00) Number three, compare who you are now to who you want to become.

(11:04) This is a forward facing version of comparison and it is one of the most powerful ways to use it. (11:10) Instead of only looking backwards, I want you to think about the version of you (11:14) that you're working towards. Not in a vague or an idealized way, (11:19) but in a very real and grounded way.

Who is she really? (11:23) How does she show up for herself on a daily basis? What are her habits? (11:27) How does she approach her workouts? How does she feeling her body? (11:30) How does she respond when she's not feeling motivated or when things don't go perfectly? (11:35) Does she rely on motivation or does she follow a plan? (11:38) Does she go all in and then fall off or does she stay consistent (11:41) even when things feel busy and imperfect? (11:43) And then ask yourself a simple question, what would that version of me do today? (11:48) Not next week, not when life slows down, not when everything feels easier. (11:53) What would she do today in the exact circumstances that you are in right now? (11:58) Maybe she would still get her workout in, even if it's not perfect. (12:01) Maybe she would make sure that she's eating balanced meals instead of skipping and crashing later.

(12:05) Maybe she would stick to a plan instead of jumping between random workouts and starting over. (12:10) This is where that powerful shift happens, (12:13) because instead of waiting to become that best version of yourself, (12:16) you're starting to practice being her right now in small consistent ways. (12:21) Number four, use comparison to guide your next step, not judge your current one.

(12:25) And this is where everything kind of ties together. (12:28) Comparison is not meant to be a tool that tells you whether you're doing enough or not. (12:32) It is meant to give you direction.

(12:34) So when you look at your past or your current patterns, (12:36) the goal is to not decide if you're behind. (12:39) The goal is to ask, okay, what is the next best step from here? (12:43) If you notice that you are more consistent when you had a structured plan, (12:47) your next best step might be to follow something, right? (12:51) Something that takes the guesswork out of your workouts. (12:53) Hint, this could be my boot with Juliet, right? (12:55) That's exactly what I do.

(12:57) Or just if you notice that your energy is crashing when you skip meals, (13:01) your next step might be to focus on eating more consistently throughout the day. (13:06) Hint, this could be counting your macros being actively present, (13:10) making sure that you're fueling your body with enough protein, carbs, and fats. (13:13) If you see that you tend to fall into this all or nothing cycle, (13:17) your next step might be to simplify your routine (13:20) so that it actually feels sustainable.

(13:22) And that's how comparison becomes useful. (13:24) It gives you information and you use that information (13:27) to move forward in a way that makes sense for your life right now. (13:31) And last but not least, number five, let your progress be proof, not pressure.

(13:35) At the end of the day, internal comparison should feel like evidence (13:39) that you are growing, not a constant reminder (13:42) that you're not where you think you should be. (13:44) It should show you that you are more consistent than you used to be, (13:48) that you are stronger than you were, (13:50) and that you are showing up in ways that you could not before. (13:53) And this is exactly why having something tangible to look back on matters.

(13:58) Because when everything lives in your head, (14:00) it's very easy for your brain to focus on what is missing (14:04) instead of what is improving. (14:05) But when you can actually see your progress, (14:07) whether that's through your workouts, your strength, your consistency over time, (14:11) it becomes a lot harder to dismiss the effort that you're putting in. (14:14) And that's personally why I love taking progress photos and videos.

(14:17) That's also why I love tracking how much weight I'm moving in my workouts. (14:22) Progress doesn't always look clear. (14:24) So the more you document, the more you'll see the progress that you're making.

(14:28) And even if you have to take two steps back, you're progressing (14:31) because you're learning along the way. (14:33) I personally have found this. (14:35) I am in my postpartum journey.

(14:36) And my postpartum journey, you guys, was a literal journey. (14:40) Okay? (14:40) I started my postpartum journey at about 15 months (14:44) and really started to get my head right at about 18 months postpartum. (14:48) And I know that some people, they talk about that six-week mark.

(14:51) They even talk about the three-month or the four-month mark. (14:53) You guys, I was way further, way further than that. (14:56) But I was on my own timeline.

(14:58) And I'm telling you that throughout that time, (15:00) I look back and I'm like, man, I wish I would have documented more (15:04) at 15 months postpartum, at 18 months postpartum. (15:07) I was feeling so icky in my body. (15:09) But to have the videos and the photos that I do have, (15:13) to look back and be like, wow, I have progressed so much.

(15:16) But you don't see it in the day-to-day (15:18) because it's such a micro thing that you're going through the motions day-to-day. (15:22) But when you're able to take a step back and look at the macro, (15:25) you actually see what a massive transformation you have made. (15:29) Okay, so let's quickly recap what we discussed today.

(15:32) Number one, comparison is not a character flaw. (15:34) It is a hardwired brain function. (15:36) The goal is to not stop comparing.

(15:39) It is to give your brain something useful to compare against. (15:42) Number two, external comparison, you versus something else, (15:45) is almost always an unfair assessment and measurement. (15:49) Internal comparison, you versus your past self, (15:52) is the most honest data that you have.

(15:54) Number three, looking back at your past self, (15:56) works when it's rooted in honesty, but also grace. (16:00) When it tips into this punishment or obsession, (16:03) that's a signal to take a step back and focus on today instead. (16:06) Number four, useful internal comparison is specific, (16:10) honest, and forward facing.

(16:12) It asks what this tells you about what you are capable of, (16:16) not what it proves about what you have done wrong. (16:19) And last but not least, number five, (16:20) when comparison starts making you feel worse instead of better, (16:23) the answer is to not try harder. (16:25) It is to put the measuring down for a while (16:27) and just show up day in and day out.

(16:30) If you want a place to track your progress (16:32) in a way that just gives you real concrete data, (16:35) especially with your workouts, (16:36) that's exactly what my Movement With Julie app does. (16:39) Dumbo workouts for you, every workout logged, (16:41) every weight tracked, so that the progress that you're making (16:43) becomes something that you can actually see (16:45) instead of something that you hope is happening. (16:48) The link for that is in the show notes.

(16:49) And if you go to sale, (16:50) S-A-L-E dot movement with Julie dot com (16:53) and sign up as a brand new subscriber, (16:55) you get 50% off your first month. (16:57) And if you want to jump in annual, (17:00) you get four months for free. (17:01) So go to sale, S-A-L-E dot movement with Julie dot com.

(17:05) If you enjoyed today's episode, (17:06) I think you'll also love episode 336, (17:09) three unconventional ways to overcome the comparison game. (17:12) This episode really goes deep (17:14) on the external comparison side of things (17:16) and pairs really well with what we talked about today. (17:18) The link for that is in the show notes.

(17:20) Also make sure you're following on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. (17:23) So you never miss an episode. (17:25) And if you have a moment to leave a review, (17:26) it genuinely helps more women just find this content (17:29) and it means more than you know.

(17:30) All right, that is all that I have for today's episode. (17:33) Thank you so much for being here today. (17:35) I love you so much.

(17:36) I mean it. (17:36) And I'll talk to you in the next one. (17:45) All right, sister, that's all I got for you today.

(17:48) But I have two things that I need you to do. (17:51) First thing, if you're not already following me on the gram, (17:53) be sure to do so Julie A. Ledbetter. (17:56) Yes, it's with an A in the middle (17:57) for that daily post-workout real talk, (18:01) healthy tips and tricks, (18:02) and honest accountability to keep your mind and heart in check.

(18:05) The second thing, be sure to subscribe (18:07) to Apple Podcasts to never miss an episode. (18:10) Thank you so much for joining me. (18:13) It means the absolute world (18:14) and I'm going to leave you with one last thought.

(18:17) The most beautiful women that I have met in my life (18:19) are the ones who are completely confident (18:22) and secure in being authentically themselves. (18:26) Remember that beauty goes so much deeper than the surface. (18:29) So go out there and embrace your real (18:31) because you're worth it.

 
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